Too Much Is Never Enough
by Allinium
Summary: In whatever galaxy their love was never meant to be easy. A modern drama-filled Anidala story.


I wrote this some time ago and posted it somewhere, then took it down not being satisfied with it. I decided to reupload it after realizing I have nothing to lose by sharing.

* * *

"That sounds amazing, Mom," Padme couldn't help but grin, "I can't believe you're already back from your cruise. You'll have to send me the photos as soon as possible!"

"Don't I always?" her mother laughed, "But enough about me, how's things around your part of the woods? How's Anakin? How's work going?"

"Work is… well. It's a little dead in all honesty. Utterly dead." Padme confessed, "It just doesn't seem like there's any room for me to progress up the chain, you know? Everyone's already established, no one's moving, and I'm working so hard yet am getting **no** recognition for it. I don't know."

"Well, maybe it's not forever, sweetheart," her mother soothed. "Do not think your father and I got to where we are now without a couple of bad starts and footfalls. You've always worked hard, I'm sure you'll get to where you want to be soon."

"Thanks, Mom," Padme smiled but decidedly changed the subject off of her stagnant career, "Anakin's doing pretty well. He's still goofy and sweet. It's just… the company, _his_ company. I don't know, it's very competitive around here for things like that too. There are already so many automotive repair companies around, and they're all well established too. It can just be a bit hard. He's frustrated but he tries to not let on how frustrated he is."

"Starting a business is a pretty big risk, you both knew that," her mother sounded slightly sedated, "Anakin is good at what he does, and maybe you're both just still finding your footing?"

"I hope so."

"Well, your father and I are just a phone call away, you know that."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks, Mom."

A moment's pause.

"Really though, is everything alright? You know, financially?"

"It's… fine. I mean, it's a bit tight on the money front, but we're getting by. Really."

"Okay, that's good. Well, I have to get going dear, I'm already going to be late for my appointment. I will send those photos soon though!"

"Bye Mom."

"Love you!"

"Love you too."

She let the line go dead and tucked her cellphone back into her pocket. Her day off was not going to plan. She stared at the pregnancy test box in her hand and grit her teeth.

It was _really_ not going to plan.

* * *

 _No. Just...no._

She felt a chill sweep over her skin, though the bathroom was anything but cold. She knew it was a possibility, but she hadn't thought it would happen. Not to her. That sort of thing didn't happen when you were careful.

But there they were; two parallel blue lines that could spell out "congratulations" or "condolences" depending on how you chose to read them.

They didn't seem to say congratulations to her.

How the hell was she going to fit another person into her life? Into their too-small apartment? Into their too-small bank account? They could barely fit enough time to have a pleasant conversation together into their day.

She took a deep breath.

Padme Amidala Naberrie could handle this. She was a balanced person, an intelligent one, one who could handle herself, professionally and privately. She knew that. The whole world knew that.

And if they just lived somewhere she actually had the opportunity to move forwards in her career… well. Maybe this would have been good news. Maybe she and Anakin would have goals of their next move, of their next trip, of a new car, rather than their ever present and unchanging goal of making ends meet. Hell, maybe they could be planning a wedding instead of worrying about making rent- and that didn't always happen.

She didn't let herself go down that track. Not again. It was too easy to fantasize about what she could have, about what she could be doing with her life if she didn't love him more than all of those things. Sometimes she caught herself thinking of moving on. She knew what she was capable of, and she knew what she could make of herself. A part of her hated thinking it to herself, but sometimes she felt like there was only one thing holding her back in life.

And unfortunately, she was in love with it.

She always brushed that thought aside. It only lasted a brief amount of time. She was in love Ani. She wanted to spend her life with him. And things had to get better. Eventually. Didn't they?

But what did having a baby even mean? They certainly couldn't afford daycare, not on what she made, and certainly not on what Anakin wasn't making. But she knew him. She knew he'd never leave his business to stay at home and look after their child while she brought home the bacon. His pride wouldn't allow it. She felt her throat tighten at the thought of not working. At the thought of being forced into staying at home with the baby and flushing what might have become a wonderful career down the toilet.

"It's okay, Padme," she took another deep breath, "just keep it together."

The next motions were mechanical. She hid the test in the garbage and promptly delivered the garbage to the curb. More deep breaths. She would tell Anakin eventually, of course. It was not the sort of thing you could or should hide from your partner. But she just wanted to come to grips with it herself, first. She had that right, didn't she? There was no point in them both being scared at once. One of them should be calm, and it might as well be her.

She checked her watch and frowned. Anakin would be home soon. She put a smile on her face and began to make dinner.

* * *

"My mom called today," she remembered as she sipped at their store brand cola, "I think her and dad are worried about our… situation."

"So?" Anakin didn't look up, just continued to shovel food down. At least his appetite was a constant. "We're fine. Just tell them we can handle it. So what if things are a little tight for now?"

 _For now_? _For now_ or for the last few years?

"I did," she managed a tight smile, "besides, I've been picking up a few more hours and projects this week. Things are a bit slow at work, but that just means I can get everything finished on time."

"Sounds good," he gave her a half-smile, "seems like it's slow everywhere around here. I sent a couple of the guys home early today. It's been a couple of days since I've even seen a customer."

Padme took another sip of her soda, "A couple of days?"

"Yeah, it's no big deal. Things will pick up."

 _God, this town is dead._ She couldn't help but think grimly.

"I've been missing home a lot lately," she confided through the dread in her throat, "it's always so busy there. And I do miss my parents. I almost wish I could have taken that job at Theed."

"No point in worrying about that sort of thing," he shrugged, "besides, you know I love your parents but you know what they're like whenever they remember we live together 'in sin'. Imagine seeing them all the time."

"Right," she sighed, "I wish they could ease up, but I mean, I get it."

"I don't," Anakin said immediately, "drives me absolutely nuts."

Silence fell as they chipped away at their dinner. Padme searched for something to say as she watched Anakin ponder the open window. Dinners shouldn't be like this. Not when you hadn't seen your partner all day and you had such big news.

Such big news to keep to yourself.

"I think my parents want to help, honestly," she said quietly, "but I just… I don't want to ask them for money so that we can keep living together, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah, because they hate it, I know," Anakin shrugged, "we'll be okay. It's just a slow time of year. We still have a roof over our heads and clothes on our back, and a business! It's not so bad, Padme."

She nodded.

"I know, but… I just worry about stuff that's coming up. I just wish we had savings or something. And that we knew things would be okay."

"I'm doing my best, Padme," he spoke softly, dejectedly, "I don't know what else you want me to do."

"Nothing," she said quickly, "I didn't mean it like that, I just… I'm worried. And I just can't help but think about what I could be doing if we moved back to my old home, you know?"

 _Oh, Ani. I'm worried we moved to the wrong city. I'm worried that everything we have is invested in a failing company. I'm worried that we now have a baby on the way and can't afford it._

"It'll be okay," he flashed her a bright smile like always. "Really. I won't let you down."

* * *

"I had the form right here, damn it!" Padme felt her face growing hot, "I swear, it was just here just a moment -"

"Padme, it's the one in your hand," Rush looked as though he were stifling a grin. "Are you feeling alright?"

She handed him the form and put her hands on her hips. She stared at the mess she'd made of her cubicle. Paper littered her desk where it had been swept this way and that during her hunt, and the drawers to her filing cabinets stood open with forms and sheets and invoices spilling out into the wrong categories as a result of her hurricane.

Rush stared at her, green eyes seeming to shine with poorly concealed amusement.

Turning serious suddenly, he spoke, "Really, Padme," Rush put the form down and lowered his voice, "are you doing okay? You've been a little… _off_ … today."

"It's nothing," Padme sighed and moved to her cabinet to begin cleaning up, "really, Rush."

She shouldn't discuss it with Rush. Not when she hadn't told Anakin, and she knew how he felt when he thought she might be getting too close with Rush Clovis. It was one of their favorite arguments to hash out when they should have been having a nice evening together.

He didn't leave her cubicle, simply continued to stare at her, not unkindly.

"Padme, I've been working with you for how long now?"

"Long enough."

"If there's something wrong maybe I can help? It's not Skywalker, is it?"

Padme frowned at him. Rush was a sweet guy, a nice guy, and she'd have to be an idiot to not notice he might have feelings towards her after they'd worked together for years. She wasn't an idiot.

And she understood why it might bother Anakin. She knew what his life had been like, and for a time she'd even thought his insecurity precious, in a bittersweet sort of way. But they'd been together for years. It was beginning to feel like mistrust, not an insecurity.

"Sorry, sorry, not my business," Rush picked up the form again and shrugged, knocking her thoughts aside, "but you know I'm right here if you need anything."

"There's… something," Padme took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't talk about it. I wish I could. I kinda need to talk to someone. But there's… you know. Something's just not quite right, right now, and I just need to get my head around everything before I talk to Anakin."

"That sounds like something big," Rush raised a fine brow, "and it sounds like it's heavy."

"It… it is, I guess. I want to talk about it, but just… I can't. Not before I talk to him."

"I get that, really I do. It's the decent thing to do," he took a step closer, "I hope you're alright."

"Thanks, Rush."

"But after… you know, if you wanted to grab a coffee with me sometime?" she was suddenly aware of how much closer he was. They were standing as though they were co-conspirators, and apparently, he thought they just might be. His hand approached her shoulder and rested there softly. _Intimately_.

 _Damn it._

"It's not like that." She assured him quickly, "Sorry, Rush, but it's not that, it's more of a ' _me thing_ '. Anakin and I are _still_ Anakin and I."

"Of course, of course," Rush stepped back and picked up the form, face reddening a little, "I'm sorry if I overstepped a line, I just thought-"

"It's fine, honestly. Don't worry about it," Padme smiled, "I was being a little opaque, I realize that now."

"Right, well," Rush laughed, "I'm going to go and do some work before I embarrass myself and get fired or something. See you at lunch, Padme?"

She laughed with him and smiled brightly, glad that one of her few friendships had not just gone up in flames. "Sure, Rush. At lunch."

* * *

She usually called Anakin on her way home, just to check if they needed anything from the store for dinner. She didn't think anything of it when he didn't pick up and didn't bother to leave a voicemail. With any luck, he'd be busy making dinner himself and she wouldn't have to.

But walking in the front door she froze. A stuffed suitcase stood in the hall, and she could hear him angrily moving about in the bedroom.

"Anakin?" she opened the door slowly, "Why is there-"

"You oughta know," came the sharp reply.

"What are you talking about?" she felt panic rising in her throat.

Sure, she got fed up with Anakin from time to time, and certainly he didn't feel any better than she about where they were, but they loved each other more than anything. Didn't they? Then her thoughts took another direction: Had he found out about the baby?

"I'm done. I'm done this time, Padme," he flung a pile of clothing into his next bag, "I'm leaving. I know what I saw."

Snapping to the present, "Well I don't!" Padme crossed the room to put her hand on his shoulder, but he jerked away, "What's going on? What happened?"

"I saw you. That's what happened," he wrenched their drawers open and fumbled his way through their neatly folded clothes until he had what he wanted, "I'm just the idiot who came to bring you a coffee and I saw everything."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Anakin," Padme took a deep breath, annoyance slowly rising, "I didn't even know you came in!"

"Oh don't worry," he turned to her with fury in his blue eyes, "I got the hell out of there and let you two have some privacy."

"Is this about Rush? Anakin? This is about Rush, isn't it?" she felt an anger of her own bubbling up as she repeated herself, slowly, furiously, "is this about Rush Clovis?"

"I saw the two of you getting all chummy," he dropped the clothes he was holding to stare at her coldly, "I saw him touch you, and as I left I could hear the two of you laughing away. He must be a riot, hm? I know what's going on, I think I've known for awhile, and if you think I'm the kind of guy who'll just sit here while you pull that sort of shit then..."

"I can't believe you think I would do that," Padme kept her voice as calm as she could, "I can't believe you think that low of me."

"Oh, I do, because I saw it happen."

"For the record," she stepped closer to him, "Rush did try to make a move, but I shut him down immediately. We laughed about it, because we're professionals who work together, and alienating co-workers doesn't make for a good working environment. That's all."

"Sure. I believe you, _Angel_ ," his voice was mocking. Even the use of her nickname sounded sour on his lips now.

"I'm not trying to fool you, Anakin!" she was losing her grip. He was always so jealous, so defensive, so damn immature! "You didn't see everything!"

"Oh, I'm sure," he said tersely, "and I bet this is just like the other hundred times I've caught you getting all buddy-buddy with Clovis. I'm sure this is just one more big misunderstanding."

"It is! He's my co-worker, my friend! Why is that so hard for you to understand?" She paused and tried to calm down, "Look, yelling is getting nowhere, why don't we-"

"Don't try that one on me, Padme," he laughed with no humor, "Don't play civil, well-meaning politician with me. Or maybe do, and why don't I just calm down so you can make up some nice little story about how it was so obviously an accident that he had his hand on your shoulder while you two were whispering in your cubicle looking like you were discussing something very important only for your two ears as you inched closer together? That makes sense!"

"Anakin Skywalker. Stop acting like a child."

"I know what I saw. And you know how I feel about Clovis. If you cared about me at all you wouldn't even talk to the guy, I don't care if you do work together! You don't respect me."

"Anakin. Stop -"

"I knew he liked you. I've known for forever. You always blow it off, like it's no big deal. Guess what? When I see you whispering in a corner with some guy with his hand on your shoulder looking like he wants to kiss you, it is a big deal!"

"Anakin. I -"

"What? If you have something to say, just say it already, Padme!"

So she did.

She told him that she couldn't stand how jealous he was, that hey, at one point it had been sweet when he fretted over her. At one point she hadn't minded because she was loyal and she loved him and she knew where he came from. But how long had they been together? How long was it going to take until he trusted her? Because they'd built a life together, and apparently he still didn't.

Not that it was much of a life, she told him with a sarcastic laugh.

She was with this man who could take nothing seriously. His future, their future. Their bank account was a mess of loans and withdrawals. The rent was late and she was working overtime- was he? They moved to this rathole of a city because he had wanted to be close to his mother. She moved here for him. For his business which was dying in the gutter.

And she let him know everything. That she knew she would have been successful had she stayed in Theed, the capital of Naboo. She'd had offers, and he knew that. Instead, she had stuck with him like a lovesick fool, in this city that neither of them could make it in because it was what **_he_ ** wanted. She was floundering in this dying city and all she could do was remember that she could be flourishing if she just went home.

She could have been everything she always wanted to be, everything she'd worked so hard to be, and instead, she was screaming at her boyfriend in their closet of an apartment where the rent was overdue. She worked more than forty hours a week and was it enough to pick up the slack for his failing business? Apparently not.

"This," she flung her arms around to gesture at the room, "this is _**your** _ fault, Anakin! You never think of the future, just bailing out your damn shop!"

When she stopped the silence hit them both like a brick wall.

Her rage faded into a cruel, cold sensation.

 _Oh no_. Padme felt sickness lacing her stomach. _What did I just do?_

Anakin was staring at her with an expression she couldn't read. One she'd never even seen.

Then he was yelling again and she couldn't bring herself to listen to a word. She'd heard it all before. Every defense he had for the failures that followed them, every explanation of why it was going to turn around, and every reason that it wasn't his fault, damn it!

"You know what, Padme?" he was suddenly quiet and cold, "I hope you find all and more that you're looking for with someone else."

Her mind flashed to the life they had created together. The one sleeping below her heart. Her pregnancy. She should tell him. God, she had to tell him. He needed to know. Before he left, before -

But before she could get the words out, Anakin was dealing her a final blow.

"Maybe with Rush Clovis, huh? Bet he can make all your preppy schoolgirl dreams come true."

Rage was back, red hot and ice cold at the same time, and she looked him full in the eyes and tried to convince herself of what she then told him.

"You've done nothing but bring me down from the moment I met you, Anakin."

The words hung between them, filling their silence with awful hurt. She could see the look on his face, the blind hurt. He believed her. Or rather, he believed that she believed herself. Did she? She wasn't sure in that moment.

He zipped the bag shut and nodded to her.

There was nothing more to say.

She let him go.

And she remained proud and upright until she heard the door close, not even slam, behind him, and his key turn in the lock.

She took in a sharp gasp, and only then did she let the tears fall as she sobbed, crumbling to the floor, with her hands cradling her still flat stomach.


End file.
